By Betsy Gonwa, 
Giving gifts in the context of torn paper, surprised and glowing faces, shouts and smiles and the embrace of little arms elicits feelings of contentment and satisfaction for me. This holiday season, I joyfully anticipated such a time of gift unwrapping and when it didn’t happen as planned, I realized how much I had been looking forward to it. I had been looking forward to experiencing the physical expression of joy and gratitude, and I felt sad that I missed it, for I knew that there was no getting it back. The moment had passed.
Yet, the desire to hear words of thanks began to ruminate in me, unfulfilled and clamoring to grow into an insatiable demand. The desire to be appreciated was ready to trap me in the role of an addict seeking a high. I know people who do this, seek appreciation as a drug, and give gifts as a way to boost their own self-esteem. I used to travel down that road, trying to fill an emptiness in me, until I became aware, and did a U-turn.
The empty feeling was there on this occasion, too, presenting its desire, but I did not try to fill it. I have learned that if I want my gift-giving to remain a pure act of love, then going down that road is not an option. For when I do, I become someone I don’t want to be.
Instead, I acknowledged the lost opportunity and thought about what had probably happened in my absence. I imagined the children opening their gifts. I imagined the gratitude in their hearts. I imagined their happy faces and their exclamations of surprise and excitement. And I let it be enough. It occurred to me that gratitude felt in the heart may perhaps be the truest and most meaningful kind of gratitude there is. Perhaps even the most powerful.
Gratitude for what is rather than what might have been. Gratitude for enough rather than the more that could be. Gratitude as a power that forms who I am and impacts every heart that touches mine, even at its fringes.
So, as I look out my window at a world bathed in white, I set aside the temptation to change who I am with a New Year’s resolution, and instead let myself celebrate and be grateful. In the days to come, I will continue to live from a place of gratitude and allow the Spirit to change me from within.
What about you? Can you stay in gratitude and let your changed heart be the agent of change in your life?
