The Good Listener (Audio Book)

1. Can you think of a specific occasion on which you felt a great sense of relief at being truly listened to? What was the issue or situation causing you distress? How did the other person communicate to you that he or she was present, listening, and understanding your feelings?
2. Can you think of a specific occasion on which you were able to listen in this crucial way to someone else? Can you think of any recent occasion on which you were able to do this?

1. Consider the two or three most important relationships in your life. How would you describe the quality of listening in those relationships – both your listening to the other person and him or her listening to you?
2. Can you think of a relationship you had in the past that suffered because of poor listening? Describe how this happened.

1. Who were the adults most important to you in your early years? How would you describe their ability to listen to you?
2. Can you think of someone you know who is a model for you of confident, healthy self-esteem? How is this quality manifested?

1. Can you think of a specific situation in which you have felt blame directed toward you?
2. Can you think of a specific situation in which you (perhaps unconsciously) have subjected yourself to blame?
3. Can you think of a specific situation in which you may have communicated blame to another?

Have you seen this dynamic of self-punishment at work in your own life? Have you seen it in the life of someone close to you?

1. Can you think of a situation in which you have interpreted poor listening as blame?
2. Can you describe a situation in which you now realize that you communicated blame to someone else by listening poorly?

Consider again the 5 ways in which we can fail to listen well:

1. Refusing to listen
2. Pretending to listen
3. Listening without patience
4. Listening but not understanding
5. Listening without an adequate response

Which of these do you struggle with most often? Give a specific example of how this manifests itself.

Consider again the 4 crucial steps to good listening:

1. Stepping out of my own world
2. Stepping into your world
3. Sensing your deepest feelings
4. Giving an adequate response

Can you think of one or two people you have known who were especially skilled listeners? Describe the ways in which they put these steps into practice.

1. Can you think of a specific instance in which you have been misinterpreted by someone who failed to interpret your “code”?
2. Consider again the following clarifying questions:
   • “Am I hearing you correctly? Is that what you’re saying?”
   • “How did you hear what I just said? You look angry. Did you feel I was putting you down?”
   • “I’m not sure I understood what you mean.”

Would you feel comfortable using these exact wordings? If not, can you think of others that would work better for you?

Questions for Reflection

1. Have you found yourself sending mixed signals, perhaps joking or laughing about your feelings as if they were unimportant?
2. Can you describe a specific situation in which you misunderstood someone because you failed to clarify what he or she was saying?

1. Have you ever found yourself expressing a powerful feeling in the context of casual small talk? What were the results?
2. Have you ever found yourself becoming angry because someone decided against taking your advice?

1. Can you name two specific strategies you can implement to help you move toward being a better listener?
2. Consider including your efforts toward good listening in your journaling or daily spiritual reflection, or begin a practice of daily reflection for that purpose.