By Betsy Gonwa, 
Driving home from a retreat, with the sky opening in front of me, and surrounded by the stark March landscape, I felt spacious inside. I felt like one of the trees outside my windshield, with no leaves yet, showing the blue of the sky and allowing the air to pass freely through. It was a simplified kind of beauty. It was the kind of beauty I had imagined for myself while away.
The spacious feeling stayed with me for a couple of days and even into the first part of the next week. But then the ever-present household tasks began to loom large in my space. By the end of my first week at home, it seemed like the mundaneness of my life at home had taken over. I felt like a gardener in need of a full-time weeder. I imagined the seedlings that might sprout from any seeds I might plant being continuously overshadowed by towering weeds. They didn’t have a chance!
The inspiration for my new life had come from being in a friend’s space, a simply furnished and beautiful space. I knew that her approach was both/and. She was intentional about what she let into her life and also intentional about what she discarded, a true Marie Kondo, choosing joy.
The spacious feeling was desiring beauty and simplicity, and I was instead feeling the weight of clutter and disorder. Sitting in my study, I felt stifled, crowded by too much stuff, and by each scrap of paper demanding attention. It was heavy and debilitating. I could tell that the crowded feeling with its demanding sense of urgency was ready to move back in. I didn’t want to give it a toe hold. But, what to do?
And then, I came across a sentence that inspired me. “See what small changes you can make . . .” it began. Small! That was the key! I remembered an image from another book, reminding me that my task was just to get the elephant moving. Small steps were okay as long as they were in the right direction.
And so I began small.
-fifteen books removed from my shelf
-a favorite jacket moved to the top of the mending pile
-a dilapidated binder discarded; its contents streamlined and fitted in a new, smaller binder
-a sweater with sleeves that were too short for me set aside
I remembered one of my directees telling me about her own de-cluttering project. Accomplished a few minutes at a time, a few items at a time. I remembered the exuberance and satisfaction I had seen on her face and heard in her voice. I remembered the way she held her shoulders. I thought I might be experiencing what she had felt then, for I was beginning to feel powerful, like a heroine in the novel of my own life.
The next day, I mended the jacket. It now has Velcro straps at the end of each sleeve. No more will air blow up my arms when I ride my bike. But, when I hung it on the hook in the breezeway, I didn’t feel as satisfied as I thought I would. Why not? What had become of my feeling?
In the past, I have associated my feeling of power in such moments with a sense of accomplishment or achievement, but that day I realized it came from a different source. The feeling of power had come with the action of pulling my red jacket from the bottom of the mending pile and placing it at the top. In choosing to act on something that was important to me, I had given importance to my own priorities.
Such a small change. And in making it, I saw that each of my actions — intended to change my surroundings – actually change me!
Is there a change that you are trying to bring into being that overwhelms you? Is there a small change you can make?
